Stood Up

When I first opened the package containing the crimson dress covered in a pattern of white hearts, my immediate thought was “Date Night”. But after quick contemplation, I realized I would not be able to accurately depict something photographically that is beyond my experience. I therefore opted for “Stood Up” as the inspiration for the photo shoot as I have more than enough experience in that arena. (I should also point out that being “ghosted” is the online equivalent of being stood up).

The photo shoot brought a myriad of thoughts, feelings and experiences to the surface. Thoughts, feelings and experiences that I would rather pretend don’t exist, except that I can’t… Because sadly these are still on the highlight reel of the current events of my life.

With the exception of one, I have been ghosted by EVERY SINGLE guy that I have ever been interested in, thought that I was building a connection with, or claimed was interested in me.

Men don’t like me. At least that’s the narrative that has been reinforced over the 3 decades of my life, starting from my father. I try to convince myself otherwise. I tell myself that I am amazing and that I am worthy of being loved and accepted, that I am quit the catch. Well, the guys that I have talked to would beg to differ. With the exception of one, I have been ghosted by EVERY SINGLE guy that I have ever been interested in, thought that I was building a connection with, or claimed was interested in me. I still don’t understand if I’m doing something wrong to send them packing without so much as a goodbye or if they only pretended to interested. After all, these are men who approached me, men who claimed to be interested in me, men who wanted to talk to me and supposedly wanted to contact my father because they were just sooooo seriously interested. The lies and deception yall, lies and deception.

What’s the point of it all, I wonder? My younger, more naive self could never fathom that a guy would pretend to like me because I couldn’t understand what he would have to gain from it. I don’t always understand why “normal” people do what they do. I suppose it’s entirely possible that they became uninterested once they realized I was an actual person and not just a picture (surprise!). But I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t affect me a bit at times. You can tell yourself you’re fabulous all you want but when guy after guy keeps pulling the vanishing act your brain comes up with two options: there is something wrong with you or all men are lousy. Now obviously those are both false statements but sometimes the consciousness likes to oversimplify for the sake of self preservation. Because gosh dangit I AM fabulous [and quirky, kind, intelligent and a whole of positive (and negative) qualities].

Some of you may know I have been on a journey to prove that not only are there great men out there, but there is one out there for me. It’s been a rather tragic journey, I must confess. I’ve been taking a breather from all of the matrimony apps because sis! it was getting dark out there and I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Lol. But I haven’t given up hope! No ma’am, I will not be defeated! #ChallengeAccepted #NotTodaySatan

My youtube series Kissing Khadeejah documenting my journey to find love.

I thought it was important for me to talk openly about this because for years, so many people, people who know me, have insinuated that the cause of my singleness is that I am rejecting all who are interested, which to be clear, is not many at all. The fact is, they keep leaving me. I guess I’ve just been too embarrassed to come clean because I thought to made me look bad. I allowed people to believe I was some cold, heartbreaking maneater.

Heartbreaker

I dont know what is about me that has people thinking I go around collecting hearts in jars and leaving scars
They think….
Im a heart breaker
And its crazy to me because I stand before today to declare that never have
A heart
I broken
Rather it is my heart
My soul
My feelings and emotions that have been trampled over
By actions about which go unspoken
Discarded like a toy that is no longer new and there therefor devoid of interest and value
But its my own fault you see
I have this need to control the story
So when men do wrong to me
I do right by them
When people ask what went wrong, I shoulder the responsibilty
And never blame him
Because
I guess
Maybe
Perhaps
At the end of the day
Id rather be seen as cruel
Than look like a fool – FKA

By the way ya’ll, dont forget to check out all the photos from my Stood Up photo shoot here!

I’m Just a Small Town Girl

I need to talk about my little #adventure yesterday. I really wanted to see the city to explore and see if I’d feel comfortable #downtown. I’m from #smallville #ohio, also known a Xenia, OH. I’m the smallest of small town girls. I’m the girl next door. Up until recently I was extremely shy. So when I say I wasn’t ready for my encounters yesterday…Lord! ….. I WAS NOT READY. I have never ever ever saw myself as even remotely attractive, cute, pretty or anything of the sort. Don’t get me wrong, i love me some me, but like I said, I’m just the girl next door type.. So when I started to get hit on and leered at to the point that I wanted to jump into the river it was all new. And a little uncomfortable. Being looked at the way I look at mac and cheese is, well, #gross. Especially being a #muslimah and someone who #covers. Im used to creeps sliding in my inbox, but that.. y’all 😣😣😣😣 #ICantEven.

You’re Beautiful.. Just The Way You Are


Wake up in the morning and look in the mirror

Tell yourself you’re beautiful

With your messy hair and sleepy eyes

Walk around in your underwear…

Or nude

If you’re ever so daring, take a selfie..or ten

Look at you

Really look at you

Forget every other body you’ve ever seen

On T.V., in the magazines, in your life

You have no business comparing your body to theirs.

For a second, just pretend that no other bodies exist

Just yours

It’s not so bad when you’re not trying to measure it up to others is it?

Pear shaped

Square shaped

Stretch marks

Thighs that have touched since forever

Squishy stomach

Hyper-pigmentation

Hairy

Small breast

Scars

Short legs

No butt

Huge butt

Knobby knees

Whatever your unique body story

We’re not meant to be carbon copies of each other

Stay active

Get strong

Eat healthy

Eat icecream

Take care of yourself

Just be your best you and love it.

-Krazy Aunt Kat

Life happens… Then what?

Hello Sweeties!

It’s been a while. I just much prefer to blog on a computer rather than my phone and I haven’t been to the library in a bit… which explains my overdue DVDs. *lowers head in shame*

Feliz Sabado! It’s a frigid 20 degrees today in North East Michigan and my skin is not happy about it, neither is my heart, soul and spirit, lol.

Life if full of an accumulation of good and bad, happy and sad moments and happenings. It’s out of our control. But you know what is in our control? Our reactions. Our reactions to negative stimuli is ever so crucial to living a happier, healthier life. Mind you, oftentimes it’s far more easily said than done but I’m living proof that not only is it possible to remain positive and upbeat in the midst of trails, but also necessary.

Life will happen, and continue to happen, whether or not you’re in a good place, or equipped to deal with it. You can either sink or swim; those are your only options.

– Krazy Aunt Kat

I am happy to report that I am now officially, officially, official at my new job! I completed my job orientation on Wednesday and Thursday and let me just tell you, I have never in my life come across people who are so passionate about their jobs/place of employment. It blew my mind. I learned so much inĀ those two days (8 hr both days) that will not only help me in my specific job, but also in my life and my future. I finished orientation feeling so inspired and life felt so full of promise.

Orientation started at 8 A.M. so I decided to stay with my sister for those days since I live about an hour from work. It all worked out… Until it didn’t. On Wednesday, several parts of Michigan experienced severe winds that caused some major power outages state-wide. Thankfully my sisters home kept its power and made the false assumption that my apartment would have kept its power. Wrong. Last night I got home, the lights were, sigh of relief. Then I opened my freezer, it didn’t feel as cold as it should have. Then I felt my frozen fruit… not as solid as I should have been, my ground beef, covered in ice crystals, also not as solid as it should have been. Crap.

So this morning I collected the contents of my freezer and fridge and Ā threw them in the dumpster. On the plus side, I honestly didn’t have much, however, I went to not having much to having almost nothing in the way of food. I do have pasta and sauce so I know what I’m having for dinner tonight: Spaghetti. I foresee myself losing a lot of weight in the coming weeks, but it’s all good. I praise God and take in my stride. I don’t get paid till Friday.My car needs gas, I’m hungry, bills need to be paid, still haven’t secured a second job, but I’m genuinely not kidding when I say I’m not worried. Worry isn’t going to help me in the least. Prayer and action are the only things that will help me. I’m going to keep applying for a second job, I’m going to use what little money that remains in my account to put gas in my car and buy a few things to eat. I may even splurge on some chocolate! I’m going to be just fine, and so will you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Krazy Aunt Kat

And Keep Trusting Those Instincts…

Hello Sweeties!

It’s March! And that means Spring is just around the corner! Although, I’ve been fairly warned about what to expect from a typical Michigan winter, which is temperatures flipping anywhere from 30 degree(Fahrenheit) and snowing to 70 and gorgeous until BOOM, Summer. Hot. Sticky. Summer. But I much prefer warm (not hot) to the cold so I shall make a point to go out and embrace the sporadic higher temps when I am graced with them.

So, this week has been interesting! Remember that car rental place I interviewed at last Wednesday? The one I was not feeling and was sure bombed the interview.. They called me on Friday and OFFERED ME A JOB. I’m still utterly confused! My friend and niece said it must have been because the thought I was cute and was too charming, respectively. The guy called FIVE times within less than an hour. I really didn’t want to deal with it but I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with it so I answered the fifth call.The coversation:

Me: Helloo

Him (HR Rep): Hey, this is *insert name here*, we were looking over your resume and we’d like you to join our team!! You’ll start on Monday, I’ll send out an email with the details.

Me: Really?!

Him: Yeah!

Me: Really?

Him: Yeah! *giggles*

Me: You sure??

Him: Yes! Sure! Sure! *chuckles*

Me: …okay…..?

I know, that wasn’t the most professional conversation I’ve ever had but Good Lord I was confused! I specifically told the owner of the company my misgivings about working there. Seriously, what was he thinking? And onto what I was thinking after I hung up. Is this a sign? Am I supposed to take this job after all? Were my instincts that wrong? I’m broke. This is my only job prospect. I’m broke. Maybe I misread the entire situation. It’s full-time. Huge growth opportunity. Pays well. Did I mention I’m broke? What choice did I really have? Saturday morning I, hating myself, went to Target and purchased a black blazer and white blouse in preparation for my first day of employment after nearly two full months. A whopping sixty bucks that I really didn’t have to spare by the way!

Fast forward to that evening. I get a phone call, Detroit area, I didn’t answer, a message was left. It was from a job that I had applied for, what seems like an eternity ago saying that my drug test and background check had gone through and that I could start on Tuesday…. So. Now I have two job offers, starting within a day of each other, one is full-time and pays well, one is part-time and not so much. I’m broke remember, the choice was pretty clear. Sunday night rolls along, I iron up my blouse and blazer, set my alarm.Ready.

Alarm goes off Monday morning. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Sure the “adult” thing would have been to get my butt out of bed and do what needed to be done but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t make that sacrifice. I’m a dreamer after all, an aspiring risk taker. In that moment, it wasn’t about what I should do, but what I needed to do, for my self, for my spirit. So I sent the HR Rep an email thanking him for the consideration but that I had to decline because I had received another job offer. Tuesday morning I was finally able to get in touch with someone from the other job, I went in, got their 40 minutes late, met my new coworkers. Yesterday was the second day at my new job. At a museum. And yes it’s part-time with unsustainable pay. But yesterday was special. Yesterday, this happened:

Fellow trainee: You’re into graphics right?

Me: Yeah… how did you know??

FT: I was in it for years, I can always tell

Me: Oh! I actually have a degree in graphic arts

FT: So you do websites and stuff??

Me:I mostly do print work, business cards, signage etc

FT: Alright. We’ll talk.

Yesterday, I had a moment where I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

 

XOXO, Smooches,

– Aunt Kat

 

 

What Things May Come

Hello Sweeties!

Well guys, we are nearing the end of February, gorgeous weather we’re having might I add, and I still don’t have a job! If you’re new to my blog, feel free to read through my earlier posts to get the low down on my story šŸ™‚ Of course, not having an income currently is a struggle but thankfully, I received my tax refund earlier this month so I’m okay for now. Sure I’m a tiny bit sad that I couldn’t use the money to glam upĀ my apartment but hey, I’m just grateful I was able toĀ eat, pay my car-note and keep a roof over my head for another month.

It’ll never be all doom and gloom with me, I’ve become a glass half full type of gal. And trust me, it hasn’t been easy to get to this point. Just a few years ago, I was such the Negative Nancy, I even earned the nickname of Pessimistic Pita Bread (don’t ask). One key thing to not is that I was only ever downer on my own life. I was always a big cheerleader for others, just not for myself. I felt like “It’s my life, I can be as negative about it as I want to be.” Please, don’t ever adopt that attitude.

Yesterday, two positive things happened. #1: A local business saw my resume on a state job site and wants me to come in to interview TOMORROW. I have no idea what that position is for, but I know it’s at a car rental company (yes, I did my research. It’s legit). Now I know I’ve said that I don’t want just any job, but I am all about new experiences and learning new skills. Besides, by going back to school, I am working toward my career goal (I’ll discuss that in another post).

#2: I reconnected with my very best friend, and I don’t use the words best and friend willy-nilly… especially not together, so that shows just how special this person is to me. Ā ā¤

Speaking of people and the past! I was on my writing Instagram account, as you can tell from my previous posts, I’ve been in the writing mood of late. Anyway, I was scrolling through my list of people I should follow and who do I see? None other than the dummy who missed out on the best thing he’d ever have (I don’t like the term “ex-fiance”, it just doesn’t capture it, lol ). My question is, how? How are we being connected? I made my account long after he and I were done. I don’t have his number, I can’t imagine how he could possibly have mine. We have no mutual connections. So once again, how? I remember about a year or two ago he showed as “people you may know” on Facebook. We were NEVER connected through Facebook. In fact, he didn’t even have a Facebook when we were a thing…. Hmmmm. Anyway, another story for another day.

Smooches :*

Aunt Kat

When She Loves…

Remember Her?

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Remember her?

She is the girlĀ  you didn’t think was good enough for you
Who you thought unworthyOf your full attention
Remember her?

The one who loved you with all that she was and the only thing she wanted in return was for you to love her

Remember her?

She was ready and willing to ride or die with you
Go to the sky with you
Fly with you
The one who prayed for you
Thought she was made for you
Stayed for you
Because no matter how bad you made her feel
She didn’t want to leave you
But you pushed her away, thinking you could do better than her

Remember her?
Yes her
The one who wasn’t quite beautiful
But had a heart of gold
Who was kind, sweet and funny
She was generous and loving

Remember her!

Remember her and grieve
Feel sadness, shame and loss
Because you will never find a woman who will love you better
– Aunt Kat