Is My Black Really Beautiful

Just putting it out there, Asian men, #indian, #Pakistani and #Bengali men make me feel so ugly because I’m a #blackwoman. And I’m talking, next level, Smeagol, the Gollum from Lord of The Rings, type ugly. They make me feel like I am less than, beneath them; like I’m a mangy stray dog they found in the woods that they play with, have a great time, become great friends with but at the end of the day, leave in the woods because dogs aren’t allowed in the house.

Perhaps this may sound harsh, but it’s not meant to be harsh or offensive and I’m not backbitting simply by stating how I FEEL. And no one can deny, or bring up a defense to how I, or anyone else feels about something, so please, don’t try.

I’ve seen some of my fellow #BMW (black muslim women) speak out on this and have seen them verbally attacked and torn apart for voicing their experiences and feelings. You cannot invalidate someone’s truth just because it makes you uncomfortable.

And one of my truths is, as stated above, is that Asian men make me feel #ugly. They make my skin, hair, features, background, ancestors all feel ugly and unacceptable. And before you ask why I singled out Asian men, it’s because that’s where my experience lies. In my very limited experience with, say, #Arab men, they either deny my existence all together or I’m the dog they adore and want to take home but their mamas are allergic.

But here’s the thing, you dont need my experience, ask just about any BMW of a certain age. They nearly all have a story to tell. Let’s face it, black people, black women have been seen as the lowest of low globally since, well, practically forever. And if you don’t believe that, educate yourself.

And I’m not the kind of person who ever cared about or focused on #race, but when you’re constantly rejected because of it, your perspective starts to shift.

You have to start actively trying to accept and love yourself not just as a woman, but as a black woman. Honestly, growing up I never cared one way or the other about my race, it was just part of who I was, like being female or short. I look very, what one would call “ethnically black” and never did I see it as a problem. But as I got older and more exposed to the world and saw and experienced how much negativity is associated to that one aspect of me. I started to understand why women would repeat #MyBlackIsBeautiful, creating a positive association with our race and features to combat the hate we get from all sides. And when I say all sides, I mean all sides. Many of our own men find us distasteful and, wait for it, some of our very own black women think we should try to be “less black”, whatever the heck that means. 😐

In #Islam, racism, colorism, culturalism are all explicitly forbidden, but I suppose people will be people, Muslim or not😕. And for those with blinders on and are in denial that racism is alive and kicking within the Muslim community, it’s story time!

I’ve been on a Muslim marriage website for a couple years now, not and active or paying member but I wanted to get an idea of what’s out there. Well, let me just tell you, those websites, no matter how much they claim they are for practising Muslims are not really made for black #muslimahs. Now my profile clearly states that I’m black. But it’s as if guys are like “she sounds incredible.. but… dang, she why gotta be black though.. maybe she doesn’t look black 🤔 *requests photo*”. 99% Of the asian guys disappear as soon as they see me. (About 85% of the Arab guys disappear). Just the other day a guy messaged me, we coincidentally went to the same university. He was all gungho about getting to know me, said he uploaded some photos and hoped we could do a photo exchange. My… slightly irritated and possibly uncalled for response, “I’m so done with all the racism on this website. I’m a black woman, as my profile clearly states. If that’s a problem for you, stop right now.” He stopped. Oh I have sooo many other stories. A little tip, if a guy’s profile says he’s open to all ethnicities…. don’t believe it.. or maybe it’s not because I’m black at all, maybe I’m just #fugly😂💁

You’re Beautiful.. Just The Way You Are


Wake up in the morning and look in the mirror

Tell yourself you’re beautiful

With your messy hair and sleepy eyes

Walk around in your underwear…

Or nude

If you’re ever so daring, take a selfie..or ten

Look at you

Really look at you

Forget every other body you’ve ever seen

On T.V., in the magazines, in your life

You have no business comparing your body to theirs.

For a second, just pretend that no other bodies exist

Just yours

It’s not so bad when you’re not trying to measure it up to others is it?

Pear shaped

Square shaped

Stretch marks

Thighs that have touched since forever

Squishy stomach

Hyper-pigmentation

Hairy

Small breast

Scars

Short legs

No butt

Huge butt

Knobby knees

Whatever your unique body story

We’re not meant to be carbon copies of each other

Stay active

Get strong

Eat healthy

Eat icecream

Take care of yourself

Just be your best you and love it.

-Krazy Aunt Kat

I’ve Always Been Afraid To Want

Hello Sweetie!

Feliz Martes!

Hope your week is going well thus far. Nothing to complain about on my end. Yesterday, I got called into work and I was more than happy to do so! I need every extra hour I can get so it was great. Another pretty great thing happened as well.

I can’t recall if I wrote about the Graphic Design internship that I applied for some weeks ago. Well, as I was leaving work yesterday evening, walking the empty halls of the already closed museum, I saw that I had a couple missed calls and a voice message. Hmmm? I figured it was about one of the millions of jobs I’d applied for. Nope! It was about the internship, which I’m sure you’ve already guessed. He wanted me to call him back to discuss the position and what not. And I fully intended to do so. But he beat me to it! I’d accidentally left my phone on vibrate last night rather than on mute (my phone is on mute 90% of the time) and thank goodness I did because that vibration woke me up to the most incredible phone call.

No, I don’t know if I’ll actually get the internship, but guys, listen to me when I say that in that moment, everything felt possible. Just put yourself out there, try, take chances. I know its cliché but truly, the only failure is failing to try. And y’all….. I was just browsing images of the company… OH. MY.GOSH. It’s so gorgeous that it brought tears to my eyes. Granted that could have been because #1 PMS, #2 Allergies are kicking my but. Either way, I felt some strong emotions looking at those images, lol. But I had the ugliest thought, that creeped right in before I could stop it: This place is too beautiful and perfect, I’m not that lucky. 

You see, for a long time I’ve refrained from wanting things too deeply because, that’s how you get disappointed. But I’ve made a vow to myself that I won’t live that way anymore. If I don’t get the things I want, fine, it’s for the best, but dangit, now when I want something, I will at least try to attain it! And boy do I want that internship.

Hugs & Kisses

-Krazy Aunt KAt

Life happens… Then what?

Hello Sweeties!

It’s been a while. I just much prefer to blog on a computer rather than my phone and I haven’t been to the library in a bit… which explains my overdue DVDs. *lowers head in shame*

Feliz Sabado! It’s a frigid 20 degrees today in North East Michigan and my skin is not happy about it, neither is my heart, soul and spirit, lol.

Life if full of an accumulation of good and bad, happy and sad moments and happenings. It’s out of our control. But you know what is in our control? Our reactions. Our reactions to negative stimuli is ever so crucial to living a happier, healthier life. Mind you, oftentimes it’s far more easily said than done but I’m living proof that not only is it possible to remain positive and upbeat in the midst of trails, but also necessary.

Life will happen, and continue to happen, whether or not you’re in a good place, or equipped to deal with it. You can either sink or swim; those are your only options.

– Krazy Aunt Kat

I am happy to report that I am now officially, officially, official at my new job! I completed my job orientation on Wednesday and Thursday and let me just tell you, I have never in my life come across people who are so passionate about their jobs/place of employment. It blew my mind. I learned so much in those two days (8 hr both days) that will not only help me in my specific job, but also in my life and my future. I finished orientation feeling so inspired and life felt so full of promise.

Orientation started at 8 A.M. so I decided to stay with my sister for those days since I live about an hour from work. It all worked out… Until it didn’t. On Wednesday, several parts of Michigan experienced severe winds that caused some major power outages state-wide. Thankfully my sisters home kept its power and made the false assumption that my apartment would have kept its power. Wrong. Last night I got home, the lights were, sigh of relief. Then I opened my freezer, it didn’t feel as cold as it should have. Then I felt my frozen fruit… not as solid as I should have been, my ground beef, covered in ice crystals, also not as solid as it should have been. Crap.

So this morning I collected the contents of my freezer and fridge and  threw them in the dumpster. On the plus side, I honestly didn’t have much, however, I went to not having much to having almost nothing in the way of food. I do have pasta and sauce so I know what I’m having for dinner tonight: Spaghetti. I foresee myself losing a lot of weight in the coming weeks, but it’s all good. I praise God and take in my stride. I don’t get paid till Friday.My car needs gas, I’m hungry, bills need to be paid, still haven’t secured a second job, but I’m genuinely not kidding when I say I’m not worried. Worry isn’t going to help me in the least. Prayer and action are the only things that will help me. I’m going to keep applying for a second job, I’m going to use what little money that remains in my account to put gas in my car and buy a few things to eat. I may even splurge on some chocolate! I’m going to be just fine, and so will you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Krazy Aunt Kat

And Keep Trusting Those Instincts…

Hello Sweeties!

It’s March! And that means Spring is just around the corner! Although, I’ve been fairly warned about what to expect from a typical Michigan winter, which is temperatures flipping anywhere from 30 degree(Fahrenheit) and snowing to 70 and gorgeous until BOOM, Summer. Hot. Sticky. Summer. But I much prefer warm (not hot) to the cold so I shall make a point to go out and embrace the sporadic higher temps when I am graced with them.

So, this week has been interesting! Remember that car rental place I interviewed at last Wednesday? The one I was not feeling and was sure bombed the interview.. They called me on Friday and OFFERED ME A JOB. I’m still utterly confused! My friend and niece said it must have been because the thought I was cute and was too charming, respectively. The guy called FIVE times within less than an hour. I really didn’t want to deal with it but I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with it so I answered the fifth call.The coversation:

Me: Helloo

Him (HR Rep): Hey, this is *insert name here*, we were looking over your resume and we’d like you to join our team!! You’ll start on Monday, I’ll send out an email with the details.

Me: Really?!

Him: Yeah!

Me: Really?

Him: Yeah! *giggles*

Me: You sure??

Him: Yes! Sure! Sure! *chuckles*

Me: …okay…..?

I know, that wasn’t the most professional conversation I’ve ever had but Good Lord I was confused! I specifically told the owner of the company my misgivings about working there. Seriously, what was he thinking? And onto what I was thinking after I hung up. Is this a sign? Am I supposed to take this job after all? Were my instincts that wrong? I’m broke. This is my only job prospect. I’m broke. Maybe I misread the entire situation. It’s full-time. Huge growth opportunity. Pays well. Did I mention I’m broke? What choice did I really have? Saturday morning I, hating myself, went to Target and purchased a black blazer and white blouse in preparation for my first day of employment after nearly two full months. A whopping sixty bucks that I really didn’t have to spare by the way!

Fast forward to that evening. I get a phone call, Detroit area, I didn’t answer, a message was left. It was from a job that I had applied for, what seems like an eternity ago saying that my drug test and background check had gone through and that I could start on Tuesday…. So. Now I have two job offers, starting within a day of each other, one is full-time and pays well, one is part-time and not so much. I’m broke remember, the choice was pretty clear. Sunday night rolls along, I iron up my blouse and blazer, set my alarm.Ready.

Alarm goes off Monday morning. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Sure the “adult” thing would have been to get my butt out of bed and do what needed to be done but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t make that sacrifice. I’m a dreamer after all, an aspiring risk taker. In that moment, it wasn’t about what I should do, but what I needed to do, for my self, for my spirit. So I sent the HR Rep an email thanking him for the consideration but that I had to decline because I had received another job offer. Tuesday morning I was finally able to get in touch with someone from the other job, I went in, got their 40 minutes late, met my new coworkers. Yesterday was the second day at my new job. At a museum. And yes it’s part-time with unsustainable pay. But yesterday was special. Yesterday, this happened:

Fellow trainee: You’re into graphics right?

Me: Yeah… how did you know??

FT: I was in it for years, I can always tell

Me: Oh! I actually have a degree in graphic arts

FT: So you do websites and stuff??

Me:I mostly do print work, business cards, signage etc

FT: Alright. We’ll talk.

Yesterday, I had a moment where I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

 

XOXO, Smooches,

– Aunt Kat

 

 

Trust Your Instincts …That’s Why They’re There

Hello Sweeties!

Happy Humpday!

Well… I had my interview at the car rental agency and let me just tell you, it wasn’t what I expected. I go in, the room was filled with a good number of people also waiting to be interviewed. I sign in. I wait. The process was going by pretty quickly because, as I observed, on guy did the preliminary rundown and if that went well, got to go to the second chair, with the bossman. Not a lot if people got to the second chair, and after 3-5 minutes with the first guy, they were sent on their merry way. I got the second chair! But wait! Put down the champagne, it’s not time to celebrate.
As I sat there at the second chair, across from the man who built the business from the ground up, being my charming self, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was in the wrong place. A full time job, pays well, and me most certainly not in the position to be a chooser (as in beggars can’t be choosers ), yet there I sat, as if all the options in the world were available to me. He asked if I thought the job was something I could do. My response: Yeah… I think so.. All my enthusiasm had left me at that point and just couldn’t fake interest any longer. He noticed. He pointed it out. I explained my being an artist, and job satisfaction, blah, blah, blah. He actually did mention needing a graphic artist for some work, however, that would be in addition to the other job responsibilities if I was hired.

Guys, I don’t know. I just couldn’t. I can’t. He said we’ll be in touch. I left feeling as confused as ever. I have no backup plan. I have no nest-egg, no savings. Nada. Once March hits, I’m royally screwed…. And yet, I’m not freaking out. A sane person would be losing their marbles at this point. Which reminds me, my electric bill is due today. Excuse me while I adult.

I never ask for an easy life, just an endless supply of unwavering faith.

– Krazy Aunt Kat

What Things May Come

Hello Sweeties!

Well guys, we are nearing the end of February, gorgeous weather we’re having might I add, and I still don’t have a job! If you’re new to my blog, feel free to read through my earlier posts to get the low down on my story 🙂 Of course, not having an income currently is a struggle but thankfully, I received my tax refund earlier this month so I’m okay for now. Sure I’m a tiny bit sad that I couldn’t use the money to glam up my apartment but hey, I’m just grateful I was able to eat, pay my car-note and keep a roof over my head for another month.

It’ll never be all doom and gloom with me, I’ve become a glass half full type of gal. And trust me, it hasn’t been easy to get to this point. Just a few years ago, I was such the Negative Nancy, I even earned the nickname of Pessimistic Pita Bread (don’t ask). One key thing to not is that I was only ever downer on my own life. I was always a big cheerleader for others, just not for myself. I felt like “It’s my life, I can be as negative about it as I want to be.” Please, don’t ever adopt that attitude.

Yesterday, two positive things happened. #1: A local business saw my resume on a state job site and wants me to come in to interview TOMORROW. I have no idea what that position is for, but I know it’s at a car rental company (yes, I did my research. It’s legit). Now I know I’ve said that I don’t want just any job, but I am all about new experiences and learning new skills. Besides, by going back to school, I am working toward my career goal (I’ll discuss that in another post).

#2: I reconnected with my very best friend, and I don’t use the words best and friend willy-nilly… especially not together, so that shows just how special this person is to me.  ❤

Speaking of people and the past! I was on my writing Instagram account, as you can tell from my previous posts, I’ve been in the writing mood of late. Anyway, I was scrolling through my list of people I should follow and who do I see? None other than the dummy who missed out on the best thing he’d ever have (I don’t like the term “ex-fiance”, it just doesn’t capture it, lol ). My question is, how? How are we being connected? I made my account long after he and I were done. I don’t have his number, I can’t imagine how he could possibly have mine. We have no mutual connections. So once again, how? I remember about a year or two ago he showed as “people you may know” on Facebook. We were NEVER connected through Facebook. In fact, he didn’t even have a Facebook when we were a thing…. Hmmmm. Anyway, another story for another day.

Smooches :*

Aunt Kat

Dreams do come true… if you’re willing to put in the work

20170119_140235-01.jpeg
Lake St Clair

Life can be so difficult and stressful at times. We want things, we don’t get them. We want to give up. I understand so very completely. But I have to keep reminding myself to take a moment, step back, and see how far I’ve come.

There have been so many little things thats I’ve wanted and have gotten! For example: I wanted a cute little two door car. Got that. I wanted either a Volkswagen Beetle or a Chrysler PT Cruiser, got a PT Cruiser (wasn’t worth it!), wanted a red car that was reliable, got that, her name is Lola and she’s sitting outside. And no, it’s not just cars. I went to college and graduated, I’ve worked at a university newspaper, I moved out of state, got an apartment, tried new food, explored new places; all things I really wanted to do and were important to me.

Dreams require action and effort. It’s not enough to just want it. You have to go after it. Put in the work. Whether big or small. It’s going to cost time and money but I promise you, it’s worth it. We’ve all done so much more than we realize. Take a moment to inspire yourself.

You’ve done it. Now keep doing it. Keep moving up! Become the person you want to be.

Smooches :*

Aunt Kat

When She Loves…

Drug Tests and Valentines Day

Hello Sweeties!

Just took my first drug test! Aside from the fact that I had to take the test for one of the jobs I applied for Sunday, I’m excited because it was a completely new experience for me and I’m all about embracing new experiences, even if it is just “depositing my specimen” into a cup. Lol. #TMI #SorryNotSorry

Yup, it’s Valentines Day. I don’t celebrate it, and even if I did…..well…. I’m so single that  my single is single. And, as someone with very few friends, especially being that I’m still relatively new here, no Galentines festivities for me either.

Honestly, I don’t thing I’m built for relationships. Of any kinds. Whether it be friendship, romantic, marriage etc. I’m so neurotic about my personal space that I can’t even live with anyone, regardless of how much I may like them. That’s another thing; I don’t like others the way normal people do. I so rarely form actual attachments to people, it’s like “I like you while you’re here, wanna leave? There’s the door”. I suppose after years of feelings of rejection and abandonment, you’re bound to come out of it a little bit wonky. A little scarred. A little tattered. A little torn.

I’m okay with my broken bits, but I find it so darn frustrating that no matter how mature I get, no matter how much self-affirmation I do, no matter how mentally and emotionally strong I become, that little girl inside of me will forever feel unloved… unloveable. Don’t get me wrong, I think I have some awesome qualities (though I’ll always be a work in progress), that little girl in me will never truly believe that people actually like her. Never. That being said, I’m not an insecure person and I don’t need validation from anyone. At the end of the day, the only opinion of me that matters is my own. And I think I’m fabulous. Most of the time….Sometimes.

Smooches :*

Aunt Kat