When She Loves…

Drug Tests and Valentines Day

Hello Sweeties!

Just took my first drug test! Aside from the fact that I had to take the test for one of the jobs I applied for Sunday, I’m excited because it was a completely new experience for me and I’m all about embracing new experiences, even if it is just “depositing my specimen” into a cup. Lol. #TMI #SorryNotSorry

Yup, it’s Valentines Day. I don’t celebrate it, and even if I did…..well…. I’m so single that  my single is single. And, as someone with very few friends, especially being that I’m still relatively new here, no Galentines festivities for me either.

Honestly, I don’t thing I’m built for relationships. Of any kinds. Whether it be friendship, romantic, marriage etc. I’m so neurotic about my personal space that I can’t even live with anyone, regardless of how much I may like them. That’s another thing; I don’t like others the way normal people do. I so rarely form actual attachments to people, it’s like “I like you while you’re here, wanna leave? There’s the door”. I suppose after years of feelings of rejection and abandonment, you’re bound to come out of it a little bit wonky. A little scarred. A little tattered. A little torn.

I’m okay with my broken bits, but I find it so darn frustrating that no matter how mature I get, no matter how much self-affirmation I do, no matter how mentally and emotionally strong I become, that little girl inside of me will forever feel unloved… unloveable. Don’t get me wrong, I think I have some awesome qualities (though I’ll always be a work in progress), that little girl in me will never truly believe that people actually like her. Never. That being said, I’m not an insecure person and I don’t need validation from anyone. At the end of the day, the only opinion of me that matters is my own. And I think I’m fabulous. Most of the time….Sometimes.

Smooches :*

Aunt Kat

 

 

Listen Here..

Take yourself off that pedestal sweet one and sit with me for a while
I’m going to say some things to you that most will disagree with
And you can take it or leave it
The choice is yours
But at least take a moment to think about it
Because I’ve been around a long time
And I’ve seen a thing or two
Now
Take yourself off that pedestal
I’m not saying you’re not special
Because you are
You are unique
Wonderful
Delightful and so many other great things by the grace of God
But
Stop treating yourself like rare treasure
Buried beneath the dark sea
Bound by steal chains
And guarded by sharks
Stop making it such a trial for people to get near you
Stop making it such a feat when someone gets you to open up that chest to see the trinkets that lie within.
Now hear me out
As I said before, you, without a doubt, are special
But when you view yourself as a secret
You’ll feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself with every person you tell yourself to
And you become hurt, sad and angry for “opening up” to someone “undeserving”
You feel like people are stealing pieces of you
Am I wrong??
I say, instead
Be free flowing
A breeze
Sometimes calm
Sometimes fierce
Coming and going as you please
Giving people the delight of your existence or the ferocity of it
Trust me
The more open you are
The less vulnerable you are
Now I’m not saying certain things shouldn’t be kept private, because they should
But you are not something that someone can earn
That’s how powerful you are
You are a force of nature
Be your most authentic self with every single person you meet
No hiding
Take control by relinquishing control
By letting go of that death grip of who can come in and who can’t
Be wild
Silly
Loud
Shy
Funny
Ridiculous
Crazy
Irrational
Hysterical
Sensible
Confident
Unpredictable
Every single thing that makes you in the moment
Stop nitpicking about what you can and cannot show for fear of being stolen away
You are the a breeze
Wind
The air
No one
And I mean no one
Can steal the air.

– Krazy Aunt Kat

You can check out more of my writing on Instagram @kaptures.by.k

Just Be Patient

She looked at me and said
Child, don’t worry
Men will always notice
the pretty girls first
No matter what
They’ll naturally be drawn to
The externally glamorous
Doesn’t matter what kind of
Man he is
Men are visual creatures
And men like pretty
But! She added with a smile
Eventually, they all start to
Realize how little value pretty
really has
Then they’ll start looking
For something, someone, with substance
Not that pretty can’t have substance too! She added quickly
Anyway, they’ll start to look for that
Internal beauty
That finesse
Intelligence
Humor
And there you’ll be
Because you are internally,
eternally magnificent
And all eyes will be on you
So just be patient ♡
– Krazy Aunt Kat

Ninety Days to New

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Hello Sweeties!

Spring semester start in 90 days! ( Yes I’m wearing that hoodie again from the previous university I attended) That’s 90 days to secure a new job….I REALLY hope I get something within the next two weeks. 90 days to decide if I should move closer to the university (Apartments are way cheaper over there). 90 days seems like a long time, but trust me, it’ll be Spring before we know it, and I’ll need to ready. Pray for me ya’ll.

Honestly, I’m seriously excited about going back to school! I love learning, and since I FINALLY have a clear idea of what I want to do, no more feeling lost, no more wasting money… Oh, money.. The route of all evil, Lol. I’ve applied for financial aid, but I don’t want to take out any more student loans. Student loans are the devil -_-. I’m still trying to pay off my previous ones. I gotta say, it’ll be quite an accomplishment to pay my way through school though. I can see me now, working by day, school by night (or vice versa), Hustling hard. Online classes would be ideal, except that getting internet service is out of the question. The last thing I need is another monthly bill. The struggle, as they say, is oh so real. But I got this.

“They plan, and God plans, and God is the Best Of Planners.”

Life is funny sometimes. So even though I have goals, and plans to achieve them, God may have another plan for me, or another route for me to get there. So I’ll keep doing what I have to do and take things as they come. Balance is key. Faith and action.

I had plans to spend my income tax refund to decorate me apartment. Yeah, well, now it looks like I’ll be spending it bills. But I ain’t mad though. I’m just grateful my bills will get paid. Decorating can wait.Or I’ll do it a little at a time. OOOOR, I’ll have a job by the time a get my check! A win, win, win 😀 We shall see shan’t we? A girl can dream right?

XOXO,

Aunt Kat

 

When Life Gives You Lemons..

They say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade… But what if I don’t have sugar, honey, agave nectar or some kind of sweetener? Better yet, what if I don’t have water by which to make said lemonade?…. Yes I’m being difficult. I know very well that the age-old saying means one should make the best/something good out of a wonky situation. And that’s what I do, all day, everyday. That being said, it’s not always easy. Continue reading “When Life Gives You Lemons..”

This is My Face 

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This is My Face
An average face it is indeed
Asymmetrical
Nothing outstanding or striking
Neither pretty nor hideous
Just a face
My face

This is my skin
Scarred golden goodness
To some, too light
To others, too dark
To me, it’s just as shell… except that it’s not
Not in this world
In this country
It’s a sign
A flag
A lightening rod for
snap judgements and discrimination

These are my lips
Luscious and full
A nod to my heritage
Holding back screams
As I helplessly witness
The agony of my people
MY people
My fellow blacks
My fellow women
My fellow Muslims

These are my eyes
Heavy-lidded and tired
Oh the tears these eyes have cried
Over so many things
Both great and small
Feeling the pain of others as if it were my own
Feeling my own sufferings

This is my mind
That worries day and night
Knowing
That my brothers could literally have been John Crawford III
That they still can be…
Carelessly taken out by the Boys in Blue

This is my heart
That races
Skips beats
Stops
With the fear and anxiety
That my nephews
My baby boys
Could have literally been
Tamir Rice
Could still be…
A bright young light snuffed out far too soon
By those who vowed to protect and serve us

This is my soul
That aches and trembles
Knowing that my mother
My sisters
My nieces
Are harassed
Assaulted
Set on fire
Because of the way they dress

This is my faith
That has never abused nor oppressed me
That has never stifled nor restricted me
Because I am blessed to know the difference
Between culture and religion
The only oppression I have ever felt is at the hands of the very country I call my home
America

This is my home
My country
And while they, in their ignorance,
might like to deport me
Jeer at me to “go home”
They are too blinded by my covered body
And their own hate to realize
I am home
The blood, sweat and tears of my slave and indigenous ancestors have irrigated the very soil they walk upon

This is my life
I don’t know where I am
Or where I’m going
But I’m am not lost
In a world filled
with confusion
Fear
Hate
Anger
And sadness
I shall rise
Fight
And overcome

This is my life
This is my face