I know, I know, it’s been a while since my last post, and if you follow me on Instagram you already know what happened but for those who don’t: I WAS IN A FASHION SHOW. And I wasn’t just modelling for someone, no sirree, I actually showcased MY BRAND, Strange Ones Nation in an actual fashion show here in Michigan. Totally epic and insane right!? The whole shebang went down earlier this month, March 9th to be exact.
Early February I was asked by the host of the fashion show if I’d like to showcase and after momentarily freaking out, letting the self doubt, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy wash over over me, I said yes. I would have been a complete fool to say no. I say it all the time, if you open yourself up to the universe, the universe will open itself to you. Anyhoo, as a result of the showcase, I had to halt everything. I stopped typing my book, stopped “trying to better my health”, I barely posted on social media.
The whole experience was INCREDIBLE! I can still hardly believe it happened. I learned so much about myself, about the behind the scenes of big events, production, branding, networking and then some. The most excruciating part of the whole process was that fact that as someone behind the scenes, directing and styling, I couldn’t be in the audience taking photos of my models during there runway walks. Thankfully, my mother did take a video on her not so up to day cell phone (which I will post the link to below) and the host of the show filmed it, I just don’t have a copy yet.
Now that everything is sufficiently settled, I can get back to life. But I have to tell you, once you start saying yes to life, be careful, because once you start riding those highs of stepping outside of your comfort zone, you may never be able to live a normal life again.
When I first opened the package containing the crimson dress covered in a pattern of white hearts, my immediate thought was “Date Night”. But after quick contemplation, I realized I would not be able to accurately depict something photographically that is beyond my experience. I therefore opted for “Stood Up” as the inspiration for the photo shoot as I have more than enough experience in that arena. (I should also point out that being “ghosted” is the online equivalent of being stood up).
The photo shoot brought a myriad of thoughts, feelings and experiences to the surface. Thoughts, feelings and experiences that I would rather pretend don’t exist, except that I can’t… Because sadly these are still on the highlight reel of the current events of my life.
Men don’t like me. At least that’s the narrative that has been reinforced over the 3 decades of my life, starting from my father. I try to convince myself otherwise. I tell myself that I am amazing and that I am worthy of being loved and accepted, that I am quit the catch. Well, the guys that I have talked to would beg to differ. With the exception of one, I have been ghosted by EVERY SINGLE guy that I have ever been interested in, thought that I was building a connection with, or claimed was interested in me. I still don’t understand if I’m doing something wrong to send them packing without so much as a goodbye or if they only pretended to interested. After all, these are men who approached me, men who claimed to be interested in me, men who wanted to talk to me and supposedly wanted to contact my father because they were just sooooo seriously interested. The lies and deception yall, lies and deception.
What’s the point of it all, I wonder? My younger, more naive self could never fathom that a guy would pretend to like me because I couldn’t understand what he would have to gain from it. I don’t always understand why “normal” people do what they do. I suppose it’s entirely possible that they became uninterested once they realized I was an actual person and not just a picture (surprise!). But I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t affect me a bit at times. You can tell yourself you’re fabulous all you want but when guy after guy keeps pulling the vanishing act your brain comes up with two options: there is something wrong with you or all men are lousy. Now obviously those are both false statements but sometimes the consciousness likes to oversimplify for the sake of self preservation. Because gosh dangit I AM fabulous [and quirky, kind, intelligent and a whole of positive (and negative) qualities].
Some of you may know I have been on a journey to prove that not only are there great men out there, but there is one out there for me. It’s been a rather tragic journey, I must confess. I’ve been taking a breather from all of the matrimony apps because sis! it was getting dark out there and I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Lol. But I haven’t given up hope! No ma’am, I will not be defeated! #ChallengeAccepted #NotTodaySatan
I thought it was important for me to talk openly about this because for years, so many people, people who know me, have insinuated that the cause of my singleness is that I am rejecting all who are interested, which to be clear, is not many at all. The fact is, they keep leaving me. I guess I’ve just been too embarrassed to come clean because I thought to made me look bad. I allowed people to believe I was some cold, heartbreaking maneater.
I dont know what is about me that has people thinking I go around collecting hearts in jars and leaving scars They think…. Im a heart breaker And its crazy to me because I stand before today to declare that never have A heart I broken Rather it is my heart My soul My feelings and emotions that have been trampled over By actions about which go unspoken Discarded like a toy that is no longer new and there therefor devoid of interest and value But its my own fault you see I have this need to control the story So when men do wrong to me I do right by them When people ask what went wrong, I shoulder the responsibilty And never blame him Because I guess Maybe Perhaps At the end of the day Id rather be seen as cruel Than look like a fool – FKA
By the way ya’ll, dont forget to check out all the photos from my Stood Up photo shoot here!
15% off all purchases at koveredinjoy.ecwid.com AND FREE SHIPPING!! … no forreal! Promocode: HAJJ2019
Ok, now that that is out of the way.
A random facebook friend and fellow entrepreneur messaged me about some of the woes of being in business with oneself and invited me to join her in promoting our respective businesses EVERY DAY OF AUGUST. As daunting as it sounds, I’m actually going to try, I mean, I have no shortage of businesses to promote. By the way, check out my other page, oddballcreativesllc.wordpress.com.
Now that the challenge is on, I have to finish a poem I started, do a photoshoot to pair with said poem, and post to my million social media outlets….
So the sample mugs I ordered for my Kovered in Joy! brand arrived yesterday (I ordered 3 of the 4 styles). I have to say, they’re totally adorable! And I swear, I’m not just saying that because I’m biased, no one is more critical of me than me.
I’m loving how vibrant and playful the colors came out. My plan was to take some great photos of myself holding the mugs for my website :www.koveredinjoy.ecwid.com , and that was a complete and utter FAIL.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again…. Maybe next week.
I knoooow, I knoooooooow! I’ve been quite the ghost. I’ve been busy with entrepreneurial-ship, kids, instagram and depression. BUT I’m am planning to make time to post to this blog as I am continuing with making changes.
One such change: La Femme Khadeejah(The style blog portion) is now Kovered in Joy!
So, something crazy happened earlier this week. Someone messaged me on my professional Instagram account (@oddballcreativesllc) inquiring whether or not I was the person who designed some mugs on Society 6. Turns out I am. But here is the crazy part, I COMPLETELY forgot that I had made created and submitted art for purchase. It was 2017 and my life was falling apart around me, you may remember if you’ve been reading for a while, and my need to create in order to maintain my sanity drove me to make the designs in question. Anyhoo, I posted an image of the mugs that the lady from instagram had purchased from society 6, of which I earned under $3.00 in profit and I got a lot of positive feedback. So I thought, well shoot, If they like them, maybe I’d better make my own store for them so I can actually make some money. That is how Kovered in Joy! was born.
Kovered in Joy! is a cute, quirky accessories brand for the nerdy, creative Muslimah. It features sweet pastels contrasted with black (cuz thats my jam).
The Kovered in Joy! blog portion will feature styles I create inspired by the essence of the brand.
So today(wrote this yesterday, today is day 3) was Day 2 of being a stay at home aunt. Since Im trying to have a more healthy and active lifestyle, I decided I’d take the girls (8 mos, 2 yr and 5 year) for a walk a couple times a week after dropping the boys to school. Today we went to the #GreenfieldVillage in #dearborn. Yall I was feeling so proud; got them dressed fed and out the door and to our destination on time…. then struggled in the parking lot for 10 minutes trying to open the dang stroller. I literally tried calling my sister for help😭😂 Some of yall might remember when I used to say that if I didnt have kids and was unmarried by 30 I’d adopt… it’s not exactly the same but it sure as heck is close enough!I remember when I finally started working and was beginning the slow, arduous journey of living my life on my own terms I thought “I don’t think I could ever be a stay at home parent”. Ah, look at God always humbling, teaching and growing me😅 I feel like I now need to read mom blogs cuz I surely dont know what to do to entertain these girls all day (while trying to be a entrepreneur). Help! Im used to doing it a couple times a week but now that it’s all week and I’m kind of officially the stay at home caregiver until summer, I feel like I need a plan🤔Btw, as I walking around today pushing that darn stroller I had a thought, “I’m walking around with 3 blocks of kryptonite… aint no way Im ever going to attract my superman”😂 Yall get ready for my show because it sure will be interesting.. and if nothing else, entertaining 😉
I was sitting outside with my girls earlier and contemplating my journey how best to document and share it with yall. Being single, almost 30, single, co-raising seven kids, trying to write a book, having a brand and trying to relaunch my coaching business and not necessarily looking for love but trying desperately to be open to the idea of good men, love, relationships and ultimately marriage. Is it a lost cause? It has to be a lost cause right? SEVEN KIDS after all. S.E.V.E.N. What man would sign up for that? None.
Speaking of signing up, I’m currently vaguely signed up on two Muslim dating/marriage apps. I say vaguely because I only have the free subscription. I’m not paying a cent just to have thot boys make inappropriate comments.. Then again, they do say you get what you pay for so maybe…🤔
My question for you dear readers, is if I truly decided to delve into this Operation Find A Boo, would yall like to come along with me? And if so, should I vlog about it on my youtube channel? Or just blog about it here on my Instagram? Maybe a weekly live? Idk. I’m open to suggestions.
As mentioned earlier, Im not necessarily hunting for Mr. Right but one thing I do know for sure is that despite all I have seen, I know I dont want to be single forever. Sue me. I dont know about you but I’d kind of like to not die having never been kissed. How utterly tragic. I suppose I could hatch a plan to pretend I’m a teenager and go back to high school in the hopes of finding someone inappropriately younger than me only to fall madly in love with me teacher. After all, people always say I look young for my age. The only tiny hiccup that would prevent me from being Drew Barrymore is the fact that I’m muslim and don’t allow myself to be in situations where makeout sessions are a remote possibility.
Yes. I know you’re wondering now and the answer is yes: I am a virgin. Shocker. So in 10 years, I’ll be the 40 Year Old Virgin.
Sooooooo… I need a plan. Do I sign up for a few more websites? Pay the couple dollars a month? Swipe right on everyone? (Please dont make me do that). Help a sista out.
It’s February, and in the United States, February is Black History Month. Black History Month isn’t just to remind us of the struggles black people endured since being brought to this country, but to highlight the HUGE contribution they made to this nation and the world in all facets of industry, art and activism; contributions that are continually forgotten and suppressed. This year, I’m using this month reexamine my own blackness and what it is to be a black woman in America today.
While I was growing up, my racial identity wasn’t something that was largely reinforced, rather, my parents, especially my father, stressed our religious identity above all else. We weren’t raised colorblind by any means, and the paternal side of my family definitely seemed to carry some latent racism toward white. But being that I was homeschooled for a large portion of my childhood, I wasn’t exposed to much “other”, aside from my very restricted television viewing. There was some benefit to not growing up with a strong racial identity; it kept me extremely open to other people and cultures. When my family moved to Trinidad, I was heavily exposed to Caribbean and Indian culture and though I knew the cultures didn’t belong to me, after a while, certain aspects started to feel like mine, as if they had been grafted onto me. However, no matter how Trini I felt, I never forgot that I wasn’t and I never felt like In truly belonged. No amount of henna wearing, belly dancing or Bollywood movie watching would change the fact that these were all fragments of other peoples cultures, pieces that I so easily assimilated into myself because I had no virtually culture of my own…. or so I thought.
I won’t lie, I always enjoyed feeling like some kind of free spirited, multicultural grifter; not having to commit to being just one thing. But I was always quick to correct anyone who would assume I was anyone other than black.. It irks my soul to it’s very core when people ask me where I am from with the clear assumption in their mind that I am other than a black American woman. After a while I went through a phase where I felt that maybe I wasn’t black enough. But what does that even mean? What is it more than being a part of the African Diaspora? Is it a certain way of speaking? A socio-economic status? Certain music or dress? Growing up sheltered in the way that I was, a lot of what is defined as ‘black” wasn’t really placed on me for the most part… I mean, don’t come near me with any unseasoned food… but.. basically, I grew up only as black as my parents were/are.
While on my journey of self discovery and understanding my racial identity, I came to the conclusion that my blackness, aside from being black, is defined by the shared struggles and triumphs of the people who came before me, before us, paving the way. It is our shared history that binds us as family. Outside of every stereotype, despite all the different ways we were raised, regardless of the fact that some of us prefer alternative rock and pop to R&B or Rap, when we step outside, we wear our blackness before anything else in the eyed of most people.
Wear it proudly.
What does your racial/ethic identity mean to you? Leave a comment. Have a great week! :*
In September of last year I launched my brand Strange Ones Nation, for the misfit, the left out and overlooked, the invisible; in other words: The Black Muslim. At first I was hesitant about creating something so exclusive, I didn’t want to alienate my non-black friends and followers and after all, I love everyone, regardless of flavor. But after some introspection, and a short stroll through social media and still seeing almost no black Muslim American faces, I started to think: maybe this is necessary. But the real driving force was my babies. A couple of my boys go to a predominantly Arab elementary school and I’d hate for them to think they are any less Muslim because of their blackness.
My four year old, going on 14 baby girl is EXTREMELY impressionable and I worry a great deal about whether her self worth will come into question once she starts Kindergarten. My sister and I have been making sure we breathe life, confidence and self love into her; her hair is beautiful, her brown skin is gorgeous. As of right now, she loves herself, but I see the way she loves Barbie and wants to wear little skirts and shorts like her… By the way, can someone explain to me why it is that what goes on at home is less than nothing to a child when compared to what happens on T.V.? Like, my sisters and I never wear shorts and mini skirts but because a cartoon character based off of a doll does it seems like the thing to do…
Anyhoo, I digress.
I am black (obviously), I love being black and I want other black people to love and embrace their blackness. For those who do not understand, love of ones race and culture does NOT equate to ethnocentrism. I want everyone to embrace their unique cultures and ethnicities…. so long as that culture doesn’t actually include ethnocentrism, and let’s be real, there are cultures out there that are deeply rooted in racism and prejudice…..Decorum wont allow me to create a bullet list of them.
Nothing quite reveals closeted racism like romantic relationships and marriage. Everyone loves everyone until their son/daughter/sister/brother tries to marry outside of their race. Then, all bets are off. Then it becomes, ” I’m not racist but I want to preserve the culture of my family.” “I’m not racist but I’m only attracted to straight hair.” “I’m not racist but this, I’m not racist but that.”
Now to be all the way fair, it isn’t just non black people who feel a certain type of way when it comes to interracial relationships. I see so many posts on social media from blacktivists which state more or less that you can’t be pro-black and date outside of your race. I’m going to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about it. Actually no, I do know how I feel about it; I don’t agree. I may be as single as single can get but I’ve only ever liked one black guy romantically. He was the first guy I ever had feelings for; a dark chocolate piece of yum. Man did I have a crush on him. I’ve also liked a Latino, a white guy and an Indian fella. Taste the rainbow baby! Those guys were really the extent of my romantical feelings because I’m not about that life. But what I’m getting at is, I don’t believe I’m less black, less about black empowerment because I don’t only have eyes for black men. Am I wrong?
I will say this though, now that I am raising five little black boys, I am now finding myself rethinking things. My boys need a role model. And it might be helpful if that man looked like them.. I think they may have some negative feelings if I brought home a non black man. While I want them to embrace people of all races and walks of life, I don’t want to raise them colorblind because I have seen how problematic that can be. We aren’t meant to be the same and there is so much beauty in our differences! Embrace that. I am a proud BLACK MUSLIM WOMAN. But I have nothing but love for everyone. However, I will continue to uplift my people in any way I can, before anyone else #SorryNotSorry.