Learning from Loss

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My maternal grandmother passed away yesterday. She would have been 93 had she lived to next month. While I didn’t have a strong emotional bond with her as an adult, she was a positive light in my childhood. And while I don’t necessarily feel grief, I do feel a kind of loss. A loss of a part of my family, a loss of my last real tie to Cleveland. Because her and I were not active in each others lives, I don’t feel a loss of a relationship. But I’ll never have another maternal grandmother and that is a loss. I wouldn’t exist without her.

Truth be told, I didn’t know my grandmother well. She didn’t talk much about her life. I know she was a labor and delivery nurse, she lived her entire life in Cleveland, Ohio, had a few marriages and 8 children. That’s it. That’s all I know. How is that possible?

What I’m learning from this particular loss is that I need to get better at knowing people. But honestly, I don’t know how. I’ve always kept people further than arms length. It protects me. It protects me from hurt and grief. I don’t know how to reset my psyche to let people in. Don’t get me wrong, I like people… sometimes… I adore my immediate family and coworkers etc but that intimate is so rare and darn near impossible to come by. I want to connect, but at the same time, I know how disastrous it could to be to me emotionally if people get to close.

But how can I ever expect to sustain a healthy relationship, or more importantly, raise my babies if I can’t manage to have functional relationship? Oh yeah, I now have 7 kids.. A lot can happen in a year right. More on that later.

Until next time, keep dreaming and stay feisty.

– Khadeejah

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